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Diary

My Life Without A Dad

attitude glasses

One day in 2003 I was little baby at my grandma’s house and my dad came and he looked very messy. My mom and dad were talking about me, I guess. He reached for my hand but I snatched away. I guess even a baby can feel bad energy. Then my grandma came back from the grocery store as he was leaving. I was running around like every other baby would. My grandma and mom where talking, ”Who was that?” my granny asked and my momma said, “Senia’s dad’. Granny asked, “Don’t you think I need to meet him?”, and my momma said, “You don’t need to”. That was the story my mom and granny told me. It was the first time I met my dad and it might just be the last.

When I was younger I really didn’t care about my dad. I usually just called him a jerk and stupid for leaving me, which I still do. But now that I’m older I just wonder what he looks like, how he talks and how does he eat. Sometimes I would even try to look him up in the phone book or the internet. My mom told me that he looked a bit like Ryan Phillippe which must have meant he was handsome but of course that isn’t the full picture.

I’ve asked my mom so many questions about him and a lot of them actually shocked me a lot. Like that he grew up without a father which I think is kinda weird because wouldn’t you want your kid to have what you didn’t have? But another thing that my momma told me is that he had told her that he was too selfish to become a father. Is that wack or what?! Sometimes I wish that my mom had taken pictures of him but because of him leaving me I’m not even sure that I want to see his face.

One time I had a dream that my mom, dad, and me were all happy eating together but there was just one problem, his face was blurry. I guess because I don’t really know what he looks like my mind has just blocked it. I wonder if he was around would he be a good father or just a selfish one. But I guess I will never know that and he won’t know that either. I would’ve learned so many things from him, especially about boys. Now that I’m 11 and growing up it would be so helpful. But what kind of advice would he give me? Lousy advice or fatherly advice? We’ll both never know that.

Sometimes I ask myself why I even wonder. Does he think about me? Does he even care if I’m dead or alive? But if he does think about me then he’s missing a lot because I have the coolest mom ever! She does everything for me and she’s so amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better mom. I also have two grandparents who love me and a family of a whole bunch of people who love me as well! I’ll always think about him and if he ever shows up I’ll be so mad and wonder why it took him so long to finally come and meet me but if he doesn’t then I’ll just have to move on like I am now.

For you fathers out there; don’t leave your kids like mine left me. It’s important to have both parents in your life so don’t leave. Try to make it work out. Don’t be selfish. Think about this wonderful person that you’ve created. Be there and spend time with your kid while you can and treasure every moment like it’s your last!

 

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About Senia

Owner of SimplySenia.com.

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